It’s been three hundred and nine days since I cried my eyes out as I tried to surprise you at Ft. Bliss. I waited for a year and a half for you to notice me, to love me, and to eventually fall in love with me. I waited a month for an engagement ring that never came. Instead, I discovered you spent Thanksgiving and our anniversary with her after I begged you to fly home to me for four days. Maybe that’s why I’m still stuck. Maybe that’s why I can’t ever stop thinking about you. Do I still want you, or am I that obsessed with figuring out what I did wrong during our relationship?
My heart and my mind long for you. Not in the same way as they used to, but they just want to know why. I want to be hugged one last time and I want to wake up and forget you exist. And I say that in the kindest way imaginable. You are everywhere and are still everything in my life, unfortunately. I can’t commit fully to my current relationship because of you. I can’t listen to music. I can’t imagine a future without you. My life legitimately is lacking my other half. I want so badly for you to have never met me; my life would have been just fine without you. Again, I mean that no offense to you. Food, music, clothes, places, people, and things would be easier to take in. I get nervous thinking about completely moving on. I miss your messy hair and combover. Even the balding spots. I miss your horrible back tattoo. I miss kissing your neck and crooked smile goodbye every morning. I didn’t care that you weren’t six foot tall. You didn’t drive a brand new car. You didn’t have straight teeth. That’s why I fell in love with you. I prayed many nights that you would roll over and tell me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me.
I still think about it. The “what if” of you and I. Variations of our wedding were planned and written about in journals and the ever handy Pinterest. Those weren’t ideas or plans for anyone - they were for us. Now I know that nothing goes to plan and everything breaks. You left me in a car barely able to drive home to face a room full of you.
They say if you love someone, you’d do anything for them. I truly would have waited years for you. I would have converted. I would have praised you, uplifted you, prayed for you, and loved you everyday of your life. Sometimes my stomach will get upset thinking about the effort and overall love I tried to show you everyday that we were together. I was happy, and I’m not at all anymore.
My relationship now is a reversal of ours. I’m doing exactly what you did to me. Except I’m honest and I genuinely appreciate, love, and thank God for sending him my way. That’s how you should have loved me the first time around. Part of me initially wanted you to hurt from what you did to me. It felt like you ripped the part of me that was meant to be bound to someone else right out of my chest. It’s hard to remember how to get back to the happy me. I feel pathetic being so hung up on a person. I look at him and pray that whatever hold you have on me wears off eventually…
I still love you. I find myself smirking at jokes I could imagine you saying. And I miss your family like they were my own. I admitted to my mom that I was sadder than usual because I wanted to be with your family in the mountains more than anything… I wanted to be wherever you were… Maybe not romantically like I used to, but I definitely miss my best friend. I hope you find someone that gives you what I couldn’t. I hope you love them right and exactly how I wanted you to for the rest of my life.